My body does not love pregnancy. There. I said it. I actually don't feel bad anymore saying that, because it has NOTHING to do with how much I love my baby and carrying him in my body. But let's get real here, folks. I have been sick....real sick for most of my pregnancy so far. I'm still having to take a strong prescription to keep me from tossing my cookies all day long. On top of that, i'm tired all the time. Who said the 2nd trimester is the most wonderful?? Not me. And i've come to grips with the fact that for most people, that's true. But not for me. And you know what? I'm ok with that. Every kid is different, so every pregnancy is most certainly different. I have still been very dizzy and experiencing heart palpatations that are rather scary and uncomfortable. And for the 3rd time, I went to the ER last week. My experience was horrific after the dr. got all scientific and said I might need a CT-Scan to check for a blood clot in my lung (long story, won't get into it) that (in his very words) "could quite possibly kill your baby." What?!? Who says that to a first time pregnant woman who is alone in an ER with no support. Why would I get a CT-Scan when you're telling me it could kill my baby?! Terrible. I don't know how true all that was, but I didn't have the scan, though I did have a panic attack following that conversation. Not one of my proudest moments. It was a memory I would be OK with soon forgetting.
Instead, i'm now under the supervision of a cardiologist. I really don't think anything's seriously wrong with my heart, but my OB sent me to this guy just to be sure. So i'm now the proud owner - for the next two weeks - of a constant heart monitor. I am also having an ultrasound of my heart on Wednesday. Furthermore, i'm under strict orders not to get behind the wheel of a car until all of this testing is done. It's all for the good, but this certainly has and continues to be a long journey. Praise Jesus that our boy is doing perfectly fine. It really does appear to be me. And who knows, perhaps they will just confirm what I said at the beginning of this post - That my body does not love pregnancy. The funny thing is, I would do this all over again. That's just how much I love my baby (and future child(ren)) already! It's amazing.
I am constantly reminded of the very heart of God in all of this. Of all His creation, He loves PEOPLE the most. If He didn't, Jesus life and death wouldn't have been necessary. So i'm comforted in knowing that I am held by the creator of the universe and so is my son. God knew how my journey would go, but thought it important enough to create this little one and choose me to carry him and be his mother. I just know God's plan for our baby in marvelous and i'm overjoyed just thinking about it. Who will he be? What will he become? I look forward to sharing with him this experience and using it as one of many examples to show him how faithful and wonderful our father God truly is.
I've begun journaling privately and digging into scripture more than I have before. It's true that the word of God is living and active and brings comfort to the broken. I am experiencing it ever so deeply (Hebrews 4:12). I know that I will be able to look back and continue to see the constant faithfulness of God. That's why I want to journal. I want to give God all the glory for how he works through me. And I will learn just a bit more about His very character through this process...the only thing my heart really longs for.