Thursday, February 28, 2013

One day at a time

You repair all that we have torn apart and
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts and
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us

Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, but what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised

I sang these very lyrics about 10 years ago. They were powerful to me then, but even more now. I love how God uses things in our past that had one meaning, to use them in our present with a new perspective.

I just want to update that I have been given a very complex diagnosis (Lyme Disease) for which testing is very unreliable. I did test positive on what is referred to as a culture test. It means that my blood, when presented with the borellia burgdorferi bacteria (aka Lyme Disease), produced an extremely strong reaction. This diagnostic tool along with my symptoms, exposure risk to ticks and other very specific clinical markers has brought me to this place. I'm on a very intense antibiotic treatment that is making my symptoms worse before getting better. This crap is no joke. I'm having tremors, massive fatigue and my loss of balance and heart irregularities have gotten even worse. The treatment is basically "burning" this unwelcomed invader from my body.

It's a bit surreal. For one, I don't look sick! Lyme is very tricky. One moment I can function and then the next, i'm down for the count. It's literally that crazy of a disease. For the first time, I had a doctor pull ALL of my health problems into one pile and give me a diagnosis that's responsible for all of them.

I'm thankful to my ND in Hawaii who back in October even had the slightest knowledge about Lyme Disease and suggested it to me as a possibility. I'm also indebted to my dear friend Anne in Virginia for her prayer and for pushing me to dig deeper even when I wanted to ignore such a frightening disease. After all, I did first get sick in Virginia which has a massive tick population. We did a lot of hiking and camping - which I don't regret. Though I certainly wish this hadn't been the outcome. I am pleased, though, to learn that pregnancy wasn't responsible for my deteriorating health. At the time, it made sense to believe pregnancy could cause such debilitating symptoms. But I knew in my heart I was sick and something has been very, very wrong.

I believe I'm already healed. Truly. My body just needs to catch up with my spirit! I've been prayed over in ways I've never known before and God's will is for me to be healed.

But as for today, I'm truly too sick to fly, let alone fly alone and I cancelled my flight. Aaron decided yesterday to fly out here next week and we'll be able to attend our grandpa Dupar's memorial service. This decision came very timely as I didn't know last night how bad I'd feel today. The whole family will be together! Aaron will fly back to Hawaii with Me and Casey on March 11. I'm so relieved to not have to fly alone! Six hours is long even for a healthy person.

I trust my doctor here in Seattle. I hate my treatment but I know it's a must. I've struggled the most with the pain of precious healthy years lost. Years that I wanted to spend completely wrapped up in my beautiful son. But God will restore the wasted years and I proclaim that his goodness will be multiplied. This is our God.

Monday, February 11, 2013

NOT about me...

Why is it that I still manage to convince myself sometimes that parenting is all about me? What I can do, what I can't do; what I think Casey should be or should not be doing; what my day will look like, etc. And then I get days like today to remind me that it's NOT about me. Sigh...deep breath in...deep breath out.

Casey has been waking up at about 5 a.m. lately. It seems that it just keeps getting earlier and earlier. On the bright side, he'll stay in his crib talking to himself until 7. I know, crazy right? I mean, what on EARTH is he doing?? Talking to his teddy bears, i'm sure. He has one named "Buckley" whom he got for Christmas. Poor Buckley already has one arm falling off. Casey LOVES Buckley and we often catch him chatting away with him. It's pretty cute. But, 5 a.m. wake ups?? Not cute, son.

Oh. And guess what earlier wake-up's mean? They mean a cranky, emotional 20 month old by 10 a.m. Today I realized that I was frustrated with him for really stupid reasons. For instance, I was grumbling to myself that it makes me feel exhausted when he's grumpy by 10 a.m. It NEVER OCCURED TO ME that my son might just need to lay down for a morning nap. Since Casey was about 13 months, he's been only take one long nap a day in the afternoon. We'll eat lunch around noon and then he'll go down around 12:45 and sleep until 2:30 or sometimes as late as 3:30. Case is a very active child so he's worn out by the time he lays down! I guess I just get so caught up in the awesomeness of this routine that this morning, it truly inconvenienced me that he was so grumpy. I ended up giving him lunch at 11 in which he ate all of two bites before throwing it on the floor. I'd had about enough, so I took him right out of his chair and put him to bed. He was out in minutes.

So thus brings me to where i'm at now - Drinking a very full mug of "humble tea." Parenting certainly sharpens me. It also reveals my own personal short-comings. But i'm actually glad it does. I need it!

I'm learning that I need to be OK with a schedule change. I'm also learning that my son's needs can only be met by me. WHOA. Huge, but incredibly wonderful responsibility! He's totally dependent on me. Today he needed a morning nap and I need to respond better to his cues. Tomorrow, he might still wake up at 5 a.m. and be fine until his usual nap time. Who knows?? Life with a toddler is so unpredictable and sure is a wild ride!