Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I give you my bitter cup...

Sometimes I'm tempted to write out all the nasty, heartless and horrible things I've been told by doctors. But I choose not to. I'm fully aware there are good doctors and bad doctors. Debates are nothing new. Yet it still floors me, the audacity some doctors have. I try to wrap my mind around it, but Aaron (my rock) reminds me that it doesn't work; and more importantly, it doesn't help.

I was forced to see a new cardiologist because my awesome marathon running doctor left for the big island. So sad! Let's just suffice to say that this new doctor has decided to ignore my labs and my symptoms and trust a former college professor who told him that 30 days of antibiotics cures Lyme. And if it doesn't, then it's not Lyme. I should have put that in quotes, but I'm too lazy to fix it.

So then I asked him about my friend who ended up sick for the better part of 15 years, on her death bed for two months at the Mayo Clinic. They tested her for everything. Finally they said she had ALS and sent her home to die. But she wasn't willing. Somehow, she got tested for Lyme. Positive. CDC positive. Clinically positive. Now after 4 years on IV antibiotics (all of which are paid for by tax dollars via Medicaid), she's about 70 percent better. I added that part about medicaid because we seriously need to care about how messed up this thing really is. This ridiculous Lyme debate. It's the fattest elephant in the damn room. She can walk and speak again. She says that's a miracle for her. I think so too. My doctor ended our appointment without responding to me.

So what's up with all the Lyme Disease controversy anyway? I don't have all the answers. I think I just resolve to say that I believe in Jesus. You may not. I have Lyme Disease which will require up to one year of antibiotics (i'm considered lucky to have been diagnosed so quickly. Two and a half years in Lyme speak is QUICKLY. I know - awful.) You may disagree. Ok, fine. Just please don't use your words to try and ruin the little dignity I have left from being emotionally beat up by some doctors for the past nearly three years. Please. Put the gloves down. I want out of the ring with you. I'm getting into the ring with a spirochete bacteria called Borellia Burgdorferi.   

P.S. I'm gonna WIN.

I didn't journal yesterday. I was too angry. Pissed is a better word. And you know what's so awful? I was pissed at God. I actually said, out loud, "God, you're just a great big, all-knowing jerk!"

You know what? God's been reminding me all day how much he still loves me. GASP. I believe it. So I literally have to pour out my cup of bitterness at the cross of Jesus. I speak the words. I release.

I don't believe in luck. I do believe in hope. I also believe you have to run into concrete walls before finding an open door. I know which ones are closed and I know which ones are open. I'm walking through the open doors.

May is Lyme Disease Awareness month. It's also the month I begin the last year of my 20's. It's only getting better from here!

If you'd like to honor this month by becoming a bit more informed about Lyme Disease and the surrounding debate in the medical community, you can watch a documentary for free on Hulu called "Under Our Skin."

1 comment:

Darren and Caitlin said...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your bitterness. Not because of what you're going through - you, of all people, do NOT deserve this and I wish I could take it from you - but because it reminds me how great God is. We can come to Him in anger and frustration and lay it out there for Him and he loves us anyway. He loves us better and more than anyone will ever love us. He wants us to pour our heart out to him in joy, sadness, and even anger. His grace has us covered, no matter what.

Prayers, my friend.