Friday, March 9, 2012

Not Keeping Up

...with the Joneses that is. With this whole connecting through social media fad (sadly, it's the way I stay connected with most people since becoming a new mom, moving, etc.), it's easy to look at status updates and think everyone else has it all together except you. The truth is, I don't and I know everyone else doesn't either. Relief! Life isn't easy for us right now. I say "us" but it's probably mostly me. I have a bad attitude and I know it! Aaron is traveling constantly right now. He's home one week this month. When he travels, it isn't just a few days. He's gone all week and over two weekends. I never imagined having a baby and feeling like a single mom. This isn't intended to be a slam on Aaron. He's the most amazing, loving father and husband, but it doesn't change the fact that when he's gone, I feel very much alone. I know I've said in the past that I wouldn't talk about this because I have military friends who might roll their eyes at me. I respect what they have gone through and are, in some cases, currently going through. I get that and my heart bleeds compassion for them! But each person has their struggles and it isn't really right to stack them up against each other. We don't live anyone else's life, we live our own. Aaron served his time, and to tell you the truth, we made a decision for him to get out because we wanted to spend more time together. Well, yeah....You can probably guess what I was gonna say!

Aaron works so hard and has the best attitude. I wish it would rub off on me more! I'm easy going, but I hate it when things don't go the way I had imagined. IT SUCKS. I'm working on this, but i'm still very much in process.

I'm currently in a season of deep soul searching. Here are a few things i'm wrestling with - in no particular order:

1) What it means to be a supportive wife, but also honest
2) How to overcome obstacles without compromising my character
3) How God can use me even as a stay at home mom (who has no current desire or need to work)
4) How to build deep friendships while my time is very consumed with raising one under one and the hopes of more
5) What God really says about sin through His word
6) Specifically, how does God want us to feel about homosexuality and respond to it (I really HATE that it's stacked up as the worst sin, along with other types of sexual sin)
7) How to not hold other people to what I believe is right or wrong and simply meet them where they're at in their life
8) To not feel guilty about my lack of Bible knowledge. I'm currently reading throught the entire New Testament and getting so much out of it. I've come to grips with the fact that I've placed too much trust in what I've heard form everyone else, but not from my intimate relationship with God Himself
9) Accepting and LOVING that we're in Texas for many reasons, even if it's soley to learn lessons. But I also believe there must be someone or people here to minister to
10) Wanting to be less of a "conditional" person. For example, feeling happy when good things are happening. I think you can probably get what i'm saying here
11) Not living in FEAR that time is wasting away - esp. with Casey. I spend so much time trying to keep my head above water and feeling stressed, but I know i'm missing out on certain things. It makes it even worse that I recognize this!
12) Being less political in my thoughts and more passionate about individual things and a reflection of JESUS in what I do and say

Clearly i'm anxious about being anxious about being anxious.....I sound like a lunatic. HA! I guess I could say I'm also working on not caring so much about what others think of me. ;)

Well, how's that heavy load for a Friday night?! Am I the only one that feels the weight of the world sometimes? What struggles do you have?


Gretchen said...

So many of these things resonate with me - you will be in my prayers!

Darren and Caitlin said...

Oh Jenny! You have every the right to feel and struggle with those things and you are not alone! I find myself questioning most of the same things. And sometimes it feels harder to find answers when you're "lost in motherhood". Keep searching and remember God has already found YOU. He knows your purpose and what your journey will be - even if it's not easy! You are in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Sweet just described my life 20-some years ago. I think you touched on many of the feelings that EVERY Momma has felt. I love that you can be so honest & transparent....and I just love....YOU! Hang on to Jesus during this wild ride we call life!!
Hugs, Mom