T to the I to the R to the E to the D

I'm so tired. Tired of feeling like I constantly have the flu.

Thank goodness I have this boy to make me smile.

Oh dear Lord, please deliver me from this suffering!!!!!

And on a totally different note, our bathroom is being ripped apart and rebuilt. I'm taking "showers" in my swimsuit...in the backyard, folks. Nothing like living in Hawaii. Here's your picture: sickly woman, shaving and swinging her head around with suds all over. I refuse to skip a day shaving my arm pits. I don't care who sees! I don't care who stares! I'm shaving!!!!

This post needed some comic relief.

Forgiveness

Casey woke up crying from his nap yesterday and I cried too. I don't know why exactly this happened yesterday but it hit me really hard that I just needed him to know how sorry I am. Sorry that I didn't hold him enough when he was a baby. Sorry that I let him cry longer than I should have. Sorry that I lost my patience. Sorry that I didn't know I had Lyme sooner so I could get better quicker. Sorry that I've forgotten so much, so deep in brain fog. Sorry that my body couldn't and sometimes can't be the mommy my heart longs to be. I need grace - especially from a 21 month old. He doesn't deserve a half-there mommy.

And he gives it. Oh my sweet boy. You hug me and kiss me and I know if you could, you'd say, "it's ok, mommy. I love you!"

I'm doing my best and facing my grief. I'm letting Jesus simply wash over me. I audibly say, "Jesus, come and take what I can't fight." I can't battle this in my flesh. I physically relax my muscles as I speak
these words.

GREATER is He who is in me. Greater is He.

Progress

I never thought i'd consider worsening symptoms "progress." To put it simply, I'm so sick. No, I've never had cancer, but I'm convinced this has got to be the closest thing. Awful! I spent an hour on the phone yesterday with my md in Seattle. He's the best. I'd be at a loss without him.

Following two seizure-like episodes and worsening of my cardiac symptoms, I was about as close as I could be to checking myself into the hospital. I don't want to die from a stupid tick bite!

My md switched my meds around a bit. He also added in my treatment for Babesia, a complex coinfection of Lyme which is also transmitted via the tick bite. Am I allowed to say this is hell? This post is not about to be overly spiritual.

Aaron is amazing right now. Enough said. Believe me when I say we GET what it meant when we said, "in sickness and in health." Thank you, Jesus, for this man. Casey is still unaware and I count it as a blessing.

This is my life right now. A roller coaster minute by minute. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But I'd rather be on the roller coaster because you gotta hop on before you can get off.